Chapter Twenty Five

Chapter Twenty Five

We pick up with Ana leaving Georgia and heading back to Seattle. She has a little cry with her Mum before she gets on the plane, and gets to thinking about motherly love.

“What does Christian know of love?” she speculates. “Seems he didn’t get the unconditional love he was entitled to during his very early years.” I wish the book actually went into this type of thing in more detail because at the moment it sounds like she’s conflating childhood abuse with sexual fetishes or preferences later in life. She’s basically saying that if you suffer from child abuse in your early life, you’ll grow up to be just like Christian Grey – which I’m pretty sure is not at all true.

Of course, Ana finds all that kind of stuff boring. She just wants to think about relationship kinda stuff. “It’s very simple: I want his love. I need Christian Grey to love me,” she thinks to herself as she sits herself down in her first class seat on the plane. Let’s get this straight – if you need someone to love you, you shouldn’t be in a relationship. If you need someone else’s love to define yourself, you shouldn’t be in a relationship. What’s that phrase – in order to love someone, you need to love yourself? Couldn’t have put it better myself.

Ana starts emailing Christian from the plane - pretty sure you’re not allowed to do that. Christian tell her as much, and he seems to be in a pretty formal mood.

“Crap. Okay. Jeez. What is eating him?” Ana panics. “Maybe Taylor’s gone AWOL, maybe he’s dropped a few million on the stock market – whatever the reason.” Yeah, probably dropped a couple of mill on the markets. He’ll have to make an angry phone call talking to some more imaginary people in hopeless business-speak to sort it out. Get some blue-sky thinking on the go.

The plane takes off and Ana starts to get a little suspicious of the empty seat next to her. “I become aware that once again the only empty seat is beside me. I shake my head as the thought crosses my mind that Christian might have purchased the adjacent seat so that I couldn’t talk to anyone.” THAT’S IT. That’s exactly what he’s done. I wouldn’t be one bit surprised if he’s booked every single seat on the plane to make sure she’s alone – that’s how weird and controlling and scary this guy is.

Ana emerges in the terminal later that day to find Christian’s bodyguard waiting with a sign for her. She has a bit of an awkward interaction with the guy, and remembers that Christian had to send him out to buy underwear for her once. “In fact – and the thought unsettles me – he’s the only man who’s ever bought me underwear. Even Ray’s never had to endure that hardship.” AGAIN with the stepdad stuff! Has anyone questioned E. L. James about Ana’s background at all?

Taylor (bodyguard man) drives Ana back to Seattle. Ana tries to find out what’s eating Christian, but all Taylor will give away is that Christian is ‘preoccupied’. Cryptic.

Ana asks the driver to put on some music. “Something soothing,” she specifically requests. “Pachelbel’s Canon fills the space between us. Oh yes… this is what I need.” Hahaha. Has anyone ever listened to Pachelbel’s Canon and thought, “Oh yes…?” No, me neither.

Taylor doesn’t even drive Ana home, he takes her straight to Christian’s place. Ana’s really nervous as she takes the lift up to his floor. “Why am I so nervous? And I know it’s because I have no idea what kind of mood Christian’s going to be in when I arrive.” Urgh. Ladies, if you panic before you see your boyfriend because you’re worried about the kind of mood he’ll be in, leave him!! I beg you!

When she reaches the top, Christian is talking on the phone, all agitated and tense. When he sees Ana, he hangs up on whichever important imaginary person he’s chatting to and strides right over to her.

“Holy shit… something’s amiss – the strain in his jaw, the anxiety around his eyes. He shrugs out of his jacket, undoes his dark tie, and slings them both on to the couch en route to me. Then his arms are wrapped around me, and he’s pulling me to him, hard, fast, gripping my ponytail to tilt my head up, kissing me like his life depends on it.” Bet you can’t guess what’s going to happen next!

Christian orders – yep, orders – Ana to take a shower with him. They undress, he goes down on her a little bit, they have some 100% standard shower sex, and that’s it. You know, when I first heard about this book, I was promised a serious kink-fest. Everything that’s happened so far has been so lame and vanilla, I don’t know how anyone can pretend this is a book about BDSM.

They wash together in the shower and Ana starts telling Christian about her new job. By this point it’s less 50 Shades of Grey and more 50 Shades of Middle-Aged Marriage. Ana says she’s surprised Christian doesn’t already know where her new job is, based on the spectacular stalking abilities he’s showcased so far.

“Anastasia, I wouldn’t dream of interfering in your career, unless you ask me to, of course,” says Christian, looking ‘wounded’. Urgh, what a dick. I wouldn’t dream of interfering with your career… we’ll come back to this later.

Christian says he knows there are four publishing houses in Seattle, and Ana tells him her new job is at SIP. “Oh, the small one, good. Well done,” says Christian. Yeah, so glad you didn’t get a job at a big publishing house – wouldn’t want you getting any ideas about ambition or career progression. I want to keep you meek and mild-mannered and here with me, thanks.

Ana also has a request for Christian – she wants to know if he’ll go to Jose’s (Jacob – remember him) photography show in Portland. Christian gets all tense but agrees to go – as long as they take the helicopter. Ostentatious twat. Then he tells Ana to turn around and fucks her again. Sigh.

Later on, they’re sitting at the breakfast bar eating some pasta, sipping some wine, nice and casual. Ana asks Christian about the ‘situation’ that took him back to Seattle so early. He says it’s getting out of control, then shrugs her off and tells her to be ready in his playroom in 15 minutes. Ohmygodguys, just what we’ve been waiting for… another sex scene!

“You can get ready in your room. Incidentally, the walk-in closet is now full of clothes for you. I don’t want any arguments about them,” says Christian. ARGH.

“Car, phone, computer… clothes, it’ll be a damn condo next, and then I really will be his mistress,” muses Ana. Erm… do you want to tell her, or should I?

Ana goes to check her brand new wardrobe out. “It resembles Kate’s,” is her first thought. OF COURSE IT FUCKING DOES.

The narrative skips a bit, and then Ana is waiting in the Womb Room, kneeling on the floor wearing nothing but her knickers. Christian walks in and ignores Ana. He’s wearing his ripped jeans again.

"Hi, I'm Christian Grey."

He tells Ana to stand up and wants to reiterate a really important point. They don’t yet have a signed contract, but he wants her to remember their ‘safe words’. The safe words are yellow and red – yellow signifies that the sub is close to her limit, and red signifies that the sub won’t tolerate any further demands. Totally straightforward and fair.

Christian tells Ana that what he’s going to do to her will be intense. He says that he’s going to blindfold her and turn the music up, so she won’t be able to see or hear him – only feel. “A musical interlude, not what I was expecting. Does he ever do what I expect? Jeez, I hope it’s not rap.” OH MY GOD I SO HOPE IT’S A RAP.

He ties her to his red satin bed (with the posts that have outstanding craftsmanship, obv), puts an eye mask on her and puts some earphones in. She can’t move, she can’t see him, she can’t hear him. He puts on some music. I am absolutely gutted to report that it’s not rap. It’s some classical choral music. “Holy cow, a celestial choir,” notes Ana. If I have to hear the phrase ‘Holy cow’ one more time I might let a cow sit on me. End it all right now.

Christian starts rubbing her with something furry, and hitting her lightly with a flogger, which he said would bring the blood up to the surface and make her more sensitive. This scene goes on forever. Pages and pages of Ana panting and writhing. It’s kinda boring, but probably the closest the book has come so far to actually being sexy. Then someone has to ruin it.

Ana asks Christian what the music was that she was listening to. “It’s called Spem In Alium, or the Forty Part Motet, by Thomas Tallis. I’ve always wanted to fuck to it.” HAHAHAHA. Nothing like listening to some great choral music and thinking man, I would love to get laid to this. Hahahaha!

Christian starts rubbing her shoulders and Ana manages to get him to tell her what she said in her sleep that time (remember that? No me neither. I don’t care). He says she mumbled something about strawberries and a cage, and something about missing him.

Ana – who is obviously panicking that she might have said ‘I love you’ in her sleep – is relieved. “Is that all?” she asks. Christian gets suspicious. “What did you think you’d said?” he asks. Ana shrugs it off. Christian says he’ll have to torture it out of her. HE’S BEING SERIOUS THOUGH. RUN FOR IT.

Orgasm count: I’ve lost count and can’t be bothered to tot them up. Now I know how E. L. James must feel.

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Only one more chapter to go! Thanks to everyone who has read up until now - I'm as yet undecided as to whether I'll carry on after this book (I'm sure you understand. The source material is SO bad) but I'm always eager to hear what people think of this! Thanks again x

Chapter Twenty Four

"Christian stands in a steel-barred cage. Wearing his soft, ripped jeans, his chest and feet
are mouthwateringly naked, and he’s staring at me."

Hold up. Let's go back a little bit.

"... [his] feet are mouthwateringly naked." There's a phrase I bet you didn't think you'd read today. His feet are mouthwateringly naked - not your standard, regular kind of naked, but mouthwateringly so. She must be really into this guy. This is the beginning of a dream sequence which is all kinds of embarrassing.

Ana is woken from her dream at 5.30am by Christian, who switches on the sidelight because he wants to 'chase the dawn' with her. Imagine being woken up that early to 'chase the dawn'. I think my first instinct would be something along the lines of FUCK OFF.

I woke up like dis.

Christian tells Ana to get up because they're going out. "Don’t bother to shower," he says, "We can do that later.”

No! You can not do that later! She is on her period! I believe the standard protocol at this delicate time is to shower as often as possible, especially after you've just been stewing the night away (probably naked) in your boyfriend's bed!

Ana sensibly goes to wash up in the bathroom and emerges to find Christian having breakfast. Ana's so shocked by someone eating breakfast at such an early hour, she reacts as though she's just walked in to find him nibbling on his housekeeper. Christian tries to force her to eat, which is weird in all kinds of ways, but Ana's having none of it.

After convincing him she'll eat later, he throws her a jumper and they head down to the hotel car park, where the valet hands him the keys to a soft top sports car.

“You know, sometimes it’s great being me,” says Christian. What a smug prick.

They get in his car and start listening to some opera, as you do when you're cruising along at 6am. It's from an opera adapted from a story about a 'doomed courtesan' and obviously Ana has read the book because she's such a literary expert. Then Ana gets hold of Christians iPod and the real laughs begin.

"Christian Grey’s iPod, this should be interesting. I scroll through the touch screen, and find the perfect song. I press play. I wouldn’t have figured him for a Britney fan. The club-mix, techno beat assaults us both, and Christian turns the volume down. Maybe it’s too early for this: Britney’s at her most sultry."

HahahahaHA! He's got Britney Spears on his iPod! HAHA! And apparently Toxic has a 'club-mix, techno beat'. Does E. L. James listen to any music?

This is too amazing to be true. No, it genuinely is. Much as I'd love for Christian Grey to be a closet Britney stan, he admits that he didn't put the song on his iPod - it was Layla, an ex-sub of his. It turns out that they ended because she wanted more between them - she wanted more of a relationship.

Ana pushes Christian about his previous relationships.

“Okay. In no particular order, I’ve only had long term relationships with four women,
apart from Elena.”
“Elena?”
“Mrs. Robinson to you.” He half smiles his secret private joke smile. Elena! Holy Fuck. The evil one has a name and its all-foreign sounding.

It's all foreign-sounding?! What in blue fuck is this supposed to mean? First of all, in what world does 'Elena' sound foreign? And secondly, why does Ana perceive it to be at all relevant? I'm literally so confused by this part - are we supposed to conflate foreigners with evil?

They talk a little more about his exes. The majority of his relationships ended because the sub wanted 'more'. It doesn't specify whether the Britney playlist played any part in the matter. Maybe they found out about Christian's tendency to keep used condoms in his pocket.

They turn into an airfield because Christian wants them to go 'soaring'. Ugh, what an embarrassing phrase. 

At the airfield, Ana observes that the sky has changed colour, and is 'glowing softly behind the sporadic childlike clouds'. Nope. How can clouds be childlike? Are they shaped like actual children? I have absolutely no idea what kind of image she's trying to convey here. That's like saying 'My meal had childlike sprouts scattered all over it'.

Christian's co-pilot is called Benson. Ana starts reeling off flying details that nobody cares about. "We will be in a Blanik L-23, which is apparently better than the L-13, although this is open to debate. Benson will be flying a Piper Pawnee. He’s been flying tail draggers for about five years now. It all means nothing to me." No, me neither. Maybe shut up, then?

They take off in the Piper Pawnee. "The radio crackles into life, and Mark mentions 3,000 feet. Jeez, that sounds high." Yeah, no shit. Apparently Ana has got a degree. You'd never know from this God-awful narrative. The entire flight thing is incredibly boring and does nothing to further the plot except showcase the fact that Christian is really, obscenely rich. Even when they land the glider in a remote field, he just fucking leaves it there like his maid will fly it home for him.

They get out of the plane, smooch for a bit by the side of the plane (Christian gets an erection from one kiss because the man's clearly an addict and needs to get help) and head for breakfast somewhere. 

"I have never seen him like this, and it’s a joy to behold. I find myself walking beside him, hand in hand, with a stupid, goofy grin plastered on my face. It reminds me of when I was ten and spending the day in Disneyland with Ray." Eugh. Please tell me she didn't just liken a sexy, romantic, erection-inducing flying experience to going to Disneyworld with her dad?! I'm sensing a real undercurrent of tension between Ana and Ray. Anyone else?

"Back in the car, as we head back along I-95 towards Savannah, my phone alarm goes
off. Oh yes… my pill.
“What’s that?” Christian asks, curious, glancing at me.
I fumble in my purse for the packet.
“Alarm for my pill,” I mutter as my cheeks flush.
His lips quirk up.
“Good, well done. I hate condoms.”"

ARGH. For the love of GOD, ladies - don't let your man hating condoms be the only reason you go on the pill. Do it because you want control over your reproductive system, do it because you want to reign in your hormones, but don't, whatever you do, go on the pill just because your man doesn't feel like wrapping it up. That's the kind of comment you'd expect from a 17-year-old kid, not some supposedly mature businessman with years of experience. I really do hate this book.

(Also - really, really sick of being constantly reminded about periods, condoms, contraception, pregnancy and the like. This is not erotica - it's just some woman's stream-of-consciousness fantasy that hasn't been structured or planned beforehand. She's just writing it up as it comes to her. It's shite.)

They go for pancakes at IHOP. Christian says that he already knows what he wants, and Ana responds with, "I want what you want." Really? Are we trying to make pancakes sexy now? The waitress comes over to take the order and, just like every woman in the book, the country, the world, she's transfixed by Christian. He orders their meal and she squeaks and scurries off, because apparently, all women confronted by a good-looking man turn to mush in an instant.

They start to negotiate the terms of the contract in more detail. Ana wants to sleep in bed with Christian. She wants to be treated more as an equal than a sub, but then Ana offers to pay for the pancakes and Christian says it makes him feel 'emasculated'. Was this written in 2010 or 1910? In what world are men still emasculated by a woman buying a meal for them? 

Christian drives Ana back to her mum's house - he doesn't ask the address, he already knows it. CREEPY. 

He kisses her goodbye and says he'll see her later - he's coming round for dinner, remember? Ana's mum is stressing out about entertaining a multi-zillionaire in her house, but it wouldn't actually surprise me too much if Christian brought his own personal chef in tow. She needn't panic.

Ana emails Christian, who tells her that she was talking her in sleep and it was very interesting. I bet you a thousand quid it's not at all interesting.

Later, as Ana is out browsing for food to cook for Christian, she gets a call about the job interview she went for, with another obscenely rich, arrogant guy who can't seem to get enough of her. She got the job! Yay! But as she gets off the phone, she notices a missed call from Christian. She calls him back and discovers he has to go back to Seattle for something urgently. Ana freaks out and thinks it must be something to do with Mrs Robinson, it just must. She wishes she could have been a fly on the wall - perhaps landing on her wine glass and choking Elena to death. I wish I could be a fly, because don't those things have like a fifteen minute lifespan? It'd save me from this damn novel.

Ana and her family have a barbecue that night, and Ana just emails Christian throughout. Like, when does this girl ever do anything that isn't related to Christian? Does she ever read? Catch up on current events? Paint her toenails? Watch TV? Talk to her family?

Ana begs Christian to tell her what she said in her sleep. He says no, because he'd prefer her to say it in consciousness first. Ana growls at him and Christians says he possesses a cat of his own for growlers. Wink wink. Ana's all like, he has a cat? I've never seen one in his apartment... oh Ana.

Orgasm count: None! Hallelujah! A chapter devoted to character development! Kind of...
Number of mouthwateringly naked feet: 2