Chapter Twelve: Part Two

Chapter Twelve - Part Two

They have sex, as you might expect, and Ana comes twice (pur-lease). “How nice was that?” Christian asks, ‘through gritted teeth’. This is genuinely very sinister and menacing and I am not at all comfortable with it. Giving someone two orgasms in the space of a minute does not make this mental manipulation okay.

Ana and Christian get to talking about the contract. Ana tells him the email was a joke and that she’s still considering his offer. They get to talking about the woman who was Christian’s dom when he was a teen; a woman Ana has affectionately christened ‘Mrs Robinson’. Christian reveals they still speak regularly, and Ana is insanely jealous (grow up). “So, you have someone you can discuss your alternative lifestyle with, but I’m not allowed,” she says. This is a really good point. I’d feel proud of Ana if the next sentences out of her mouth weren’t so moronic.

Christian offers Ana the chance to meet this ‘Mrs Robinson’ and talk to her informally about the lifestyle, to help her become more accustomed to how it works. This actually sounds like a great idea – getting advice from someone who’s been there and done it all, as it were. “Is this your idea of a joke?” Ana asks. “No, I’ll do this on my own, thank you very much,” she snaps. What a mature way of dealing with things. 

“I didn’t mean to offend you,” says Christian. “I’m not offended,” says Ana. “I’m appalled.” Appalled that Christian has shown some compassion and a degree of faith, inviting you into a personal area of his life in order to help you understand what’s he proposing? But not appalled when he shows up uninvited at your house in the middle of the night to intimidate you into having sex. Priorities.

Ana lets Christian out of the house (he doesn’t ‘do’ staying with his subs), and contemplates that she now feels ‘like a receptacle – an empty vessel to be filled at his whim’. Unfortunate wording, but a really sad, valid point; Christian has completely used to her to satisfy one of his own whims and left her feeling manipulated and bullied into signing his contract. He clearly understands that she has strong feelings for him, and is using them as leverage to get her to do whatever he wants. Lovely.

Kate comes into Ana’s room to find her crying. Ana doesn’t think her relationship with Christian will go anywhere, that she’s in too deep and, here it comes… a moment of beautiful enlightenment… “He uses sex as a weapon.” Halle-bloody-lujah. We are getting somewhere.

Kate, adding to Ana’s misery, tells her that her mother called when she was out running; Bob (Ana’s mother’s husband) suffered a fall and he can’t make her graduation ceremony. This is information that really didn’t have to be delivered in the middle of this scene (where Ana was making such progress), but I’m glad that E. L. James is having a brave stab at some plot, or anything other than a dubiously consented sex session.

Ana says goodnight to Kate and finds an email from Christian, saying that he looks forward to receiving her notes on the contract (sorry, here might be a great place to express my dismay at the ridiculous length and structure of this chapter, yet again). We are then treated to Ana’s notes on the contract, in their entirety. Ana questions the implication in the contract that this whole thing is explore her sexuality and her limits. She says that she doesn’t need a ten page contract to do that, and says that surely this is for Christian’s benefit. Good girl!

She demands a one month trial period rather than the proposed three, refuses to give up all of her weekends (suggesting they meet three out of the four), questions the ‘discipline’ clause (which is not BDSM – more on that later) and refuses fisting and all forms of genital clamp. Wiping tears of pride from my eyes right now – Ana has developed a spine. She knows what she wants and doesn’t want, and she is prepared to tell him so. 

I’m aware it’s probably a temporary, collapsible spine, which will fall to pieces the next time she’s with Christian, but I’m just so happy, please allow me to savour this moment.

Chapter orgasm count: 2

Total orgasms: 7

Alcohol unit count: a few sips of wine, fed straight to her via Christian’s mouth. Yummy.

TBC! – I’m sorry that this chapter was quite serious, but honestly, reading it made me so very depressed for all the women who are gagging to have this kind of relationship (no pun intended). Funnies will resume when Ana stops being a drip and Christian stops being a psychopath (so maybe never).  

Chapter Twelve: Part One

Chapter Twelve – Part One

“For the first time in my life, I voluntarily go for a run.” So, on top of having orgasms from boob-fondling and apparently being irresistible to all men, Ana is also able to maintain her skinny physique by doing approximately no exercise whatsoever. E. L. James knows how to create a relatable and likeable protagonist. 

“I put my hair in pigtails, blushing at the memories they bring back, and I plug in my iPod.” You didn’t have an email address ten minutes ago, but now you’ve got an iPod stocked full of songs (which require an email address, or at least a computer, to download). Sure thing. At this point I will believe anything.

Ana runs through the park to the sounds of Snow Patrol (cool), wondering whether she’s prepared to submit to Christian entirely, and trying to figure out why he is the way he is. “Is it because he was seduced at such a young age?” I will get into this in more detail later, but for now I’ll just say that this question is quite offensive and largely incorrect.

When Ana gets back, Kate has been shopping for clothes for her holiday to Barbados. “Mainly bikinis and sarongs.” This doesn’t make sense, and it bores me that I’m still pointing this out but wow, someone sit this woman down and teach her how to construct a sentence. “She will look fabulous in all of them, yet she still makes me sit and comment while she tries on each and every one.” I get the feeling that E. L. James is trying to make the reader hate Kate at this point, but it comes off looking more like Ana’s a sour, bitter hag, who just can’t be happy for her friend in any way. “Could I feel any more inadequate?” she moans, as she slumps off to her room. Wish someone would tell Ana that the entire world and all its events do not revolve around her. (Note: if anyone’s holding out for someone in this book to actually tell Ana this, I wouldn’t raise your hopes too high.)

Ana goes back to her room and sends Christian an email: “Okay, I’ve seen enough. It was nice knowing you. Ana.” When I first read this, I was very confused. I thought I knew where this novel was going, for sure. I thought she would sign the contract and end up in a happily-ever-after dom/sub relationship with the sociopathic Christian, a romance for the ages. Why is she turning him down?

It turns out that she’s not turning Christian down, and that this is actually Ana’s attempt at a joke. Haha! Gotcha! “I press send, hugging myself and laughing at my little joke.” What joke?! All I saw was Ana completely putting an end to the relationship and intimating that she never wants to see Christian again. Haha, good one! Oh, that Ana and her sense of humour.

Ana doesn’t hear back from Christian until nine o’clock (surely way past her bedtime). She’s sitting at her desk, re-reading the contract, and she looks up and Christian is standing in the doorway. Oh. We’ve gone past borderline creepy and we’re way into Norman Bates territory now. If we hadn’t already met Christian’s mother, I’d have to assume that her rotten corpse was tied up in his womb-room.

“I feel your email warranted a reply in person,” Christian says. No, Christian. It really didn’t. She pretty much said she wanted nothing more to do with you, and I can only assume that you’ve turned up here at her apartment to try and convince her otherwise (which is completely contradictory to what he’s been telling her all along). He made it clear that if she didn’t want to sign the contract, that would be the end of the matter – but now he’s here trying to coerce her? Very healthy.

Christian reaches over and starts playing with her pigtails. “So you decided on some exercise,” he says. “Why, Anastasia?” That’s none of your business, you lunatic! That’s like saying, “So you decided to have porridge for breakfast. Why, Anastasia?” Does it matter?!

Ana says that she’s all ‘rabbit/headlights, moth/flame, bird/snake’. I imagine E. L. James must have thought she was being totally cool and inventive with these comparisons but I don’t see why we need all three.

“I thought I would come over and remind you how nice it was knowing me,” says Christian. Oh my god, this is not okay. He is literally coercing her, not just into having sex with him, but into signing her life away on his butt plug contract. He’s not allowing her to make this decision for herself; he’s using sex as a persuasive tool, almost as a weapon against Ana’s weak state of mind. Not. Cool.

Ana, predictably, takes a different view. “I take pre-emptive action and launch myself at him.” This girl is beyond help. Christian responds by tying her to her bedframe with his tie, blindfolding her and threatening to gag her if she makes too much noise. Good chat, guys. I’m glad you got everything sorted out in a mature and sensible way. 

Christian leaves her naked, tied to her bed while he goes to fetch a glass of white wine from the kitchen, then he starts pouring it all over her. Ana has another orgasm. No, I’m kidding, she doesn’t, but would you really be that surprised?

“This is your punishment. So close and yet so far. Is this nice?” asks Christian. Her punishment for what, exactly? Politely declining your offer? Oh, good. So you’re not just pressuring her into signing the contract, you’re also punishing her for daring to think she had the option not to. This is such a healthy relationship, and definitely something I aspire to.

TBC!

Chapter Eleven

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Chapter Ten: Part Two

Chapter Ten - Part Two

Christian and Ana finish their food at the roadside restaurant and continue the drive back to Ana’s. “He switches off the engine and I realise I’m going to have to leave him,” whines Ana. “Suddenly, I feel emotional.” Me too, Ana. Me too. 

“Why do I suddenly feel bereft?” she wonders. I have absolutely no idea. You've known this controlling sociopath for about two weeks.

“Oh, by the way, I’m wearing your underwear,” Ana says, before she goes into the house (for a moment, when I first read this, I thought this was Christian speaking. I was disappointed when it wasn’t, his tame attempts at sexual liberation have been quite boring so far. Except when he tugged on her pubes). For someone who strings girls up by their wrists and whips them with a whole manner of scary-looking instruments, Christian seems inordinately shocked by the fact that some girl has got his boxers on. Please.  

This would be a great place to end the chapter but E. L. James couldn’t structure a novel for love nor money. Ana goes inside and Kate starts questioning her about Christian. “Did he make you come?” she asks, excitedly. “Kate pulls me to the couch and we sit. She clasps my hands.” Kate seems way too excited about this. It’s just sex, guys.

“It took almost a year to have my first orgasm through penetrative sex…” Kate muses. Surely this sentence could have been phrased a little better because to me, this sounds like they were having sex for a full year, non-stop, before she had her first orgasm. “… and here you are, first time?” Yes, alright, don’t rub it in. 

I notice that Ana doesn’t explain that her first orgasm came from him groping her boobs, probably because if she did, Kate would have her hospitalised and tested for some sort of nerve disorder. Breasts are not a sexual organ, they are nothing more than an erogenous zone, and rubbing them will give you as much of an orgasm as rubbing your kneecaps. I will never let this go.

“I’m glad you lost it to someone who knows their ass from their elbow,” laughs Kate. I bet he didn’t have to be taught the difference between a hawk and a handsaw, either, which is always a bonus. 

Kate tells Ana she has some post, and apparently, Ana has not one, but two interviews for internships at publishing houses. So she does have plans! This is completely new, but I’m so pleased that she wants to do something with her life that I’m going to overlook the fact that the author has clearly just decided to write it in at the last second.

The phone rings; it’s Jose. God, this chapter is endless. Jose is calling to apologise to Ana for trying to force himself on her last week. As he should. He starts asking whether Ana is with Christian, and whether she’s doing it for the money. For someone supposedly in love with Ana, he sure doesn’t think much of her. They arrange to have a conciliatory coffee the next day. Kate and Ana sit in their apartment, eating pizza and ‘quaffing cheap red wine’. For someone who had her first drink about five minutes ago, Ana is sure taking to this alcohol lark.

The phone rings again. I am begging this chapter to end soon. It’s Elliot. Kate skips to her bedroom to talk to him ‘like she’s fourteen’. I don’t doubt it. What follows is what feels like eight million pages of Ana thinking about Christian, wondering about this ‘Mrs Robinson’ figure who abused him as a teenager, and wondering whether she should sign the dom/sub contract. Who does she think she’s kidding? Of course she’s going to sign the damn contract. There’s still like, half of this book to go.

Orgasm count: still five, but it's five more than she had twenty-four hours ago.

Alcohol unit count: five margaritas, tequila shots, a pitcher of beer, three glasses of wine. 

TBC!

Chapter Ten: Part One

Chapter Ten – Part One

So, we’re about to meet Christian’s mother. We’re about to get some sort of insight into his life when he’s not hanging girls from the ceiling. Excited? No. You bet.

Christian and Ana scramble around, putting their clothes on. Ana contemplates that she might just stay hiding in his bedroom, but Christian seems pretty keen that she meet his mother (let’s just refresh our memories; this is the fifth time they’ve met and they haven’t even known each other for two weeks yet. But yeah, he’s totally keen to introduce her to the fam).

Christian leaves Ana to get dressed. “If there’s one thing I hate, it’s not wearing clean panties,” complains Ana. Isn’t that something universally hated by every woman ever? This doesn’t even need to be stated.

Ana puts a pair of Christian’s boxers on. She goes to look at herself in the bathroom mirror and her subconscious supposedly mouths the word “ho” at her. Someone needs to remove all blunt objects from my home before I hit myself over the head with one. The attitudes to sexually active women in this book are horrendous.

When Ana meets Christian’s mother, we are treated to a description of just how beige she is. I mean, the word ‘beige’ is never actually used, Ana goes for words like ‘sandy’ and ‘camel-coloured’, but what she really means is that this woman is the epitome of white, upper-middle-class beige-ness. 

Dr Grace Trevelyan-Grey turns out to be a very inoffensive lady, who seems very pleased to see that her adopted son has found a woman. Sweet. Ana’s phone starts ringing, and she (rather rudely, for someone who’s meeting someone’s parents for the first time) goes to answer it in the kitchen.

“Dios mio! Ana!” Jose is the only ethnic minority in the whole book, and as such, the author has him remind the reader of this, in an embarrassingly stereotypical way, at every opportunity. “Dios mio, I’m so diverse! Now, where did I leave my sombrero? Anyone for tacos?” 

The phone call is pointless and adds nothing to the plot; he’s basically calling to ask why she wasn’t returning his calls, and Ana says that this isn’t a good time and hangs up on him. That bitch.

By the time Ana is hanging up the phone, Christian’s mother is saying goodbye and leaving. What a flying visit. Guess E. L. James got bored of actual character development and just wanted to get back to the filthy sex. “So the photographer called?” asked Christian. He’s not impressed. Christian is the worst kind of guy because he’s a possessive guy with technology. He won’t wait until you’re out of the room until he checks your phone; he’ll just have it tapped and intercept all your messages. He won’t call you to check up on you when you’re not around; he’ll have his bodyguard tail you and report back to him all day long. Swoon.

Christian has to make some important business calls, so he gives Ana the official contract to look over and tells her to do some research if there’s anything she doesn’t understand. Ana says she doesn’t have access to the internet, or a computer. She’s just finished four years of university education, but sure, she doesn’t have a computer or home broadband. Right.

Christian says he'll lend her a laptop and they leave his apartment. “He’s wearing a black leather jacket. He certainly doesn’t look like the multi-multi-millionaire, billionaire, whatever-aire, in these clothes.” This sentence doesn’t make any sense. Brb, going to blow my own brains out.

Christian concedes that Ana can break the terms of their confidentiality agreement to have some much-needed girl talk with Kate (I bet that’ll be insightful). “The sooner I have your submission the better, and we can stop all this. You, defying me,” says Christian. Oh, brother. 

They go to get in Christian’s sporty car. “It’s one of those cars that should have a very leggy blonde, wearing nothing but a sash, sprawled across the hood,” Ana thinks. Again with the objectification. I find this sentence gross. That’s all I need to say.

They put on matching baseball caps as he lets the top of the convertible down. “He likes baseball?” ponders Ana. Yes, you dimwit, this is Twilight fan-fiction, don’t you know.

They stop halfway back to Ana’s for some food at a place called ‘Cuisine Sauvage’. Christian goes right ahead and orders for Ana, because he’s a complete douchebag. “Two glasses of the Pinot Grigio,” he says, clearly forgetting that he’ll soon be in control of a very fast sports car with a naked blonde woman clinging to the hood.

They start talking about vanilla sex and BDSM over lunch. Christian sensationally reveals that he lost his virginity to one of his mother’s friends when he was fifteen, and was her submissive for six years. It finally happened! Character development! I could cry tears of joy right now. 

Christian fondly reflects that his ex-dom used to beat the shit out of him. Ah, good times. Apparently, he still sees his ex-dom, and they’re very good friends. This genuinely sounds like the healthiest relationship Christian has, bearing in mind that he doesn’t seem to have any other friends besides his bodyguard. Predictably, Ana doesn’t like it.

Christian urges Ana to read the contract when she gets home and ask any questions she needs to. Things are getting pretty deep, and I know what you must be thinking: “Wow, I bet Ana’s head is absolutely swimming with thoughts and questions and confusion about the huge, life-changing decision she has to make here.” Nope, she’s off in her own little world, thinking about how much Christian must work out to stay in shape, and the way his pyjamas hung from his hips that morning. Get a grip, woman.

TBC!

Chapter Nine: Part Two

Chapter Nine – Part Two

When he leads Ana into the bathroom to take a bath, Christian fills up the bathtub with hot water and ‘sweet sultry Jasmine’ bubble bath (jasmine shouldn’t be capitalised unless his bubble bath smells like a woman called Jasmine, rather than the flower jasmine). 

Ana stands in the bath while Christian takes her clothes off. “Anastasia, you’re a very beautiful woman, the whole package.” We are led to believe that she’s smokin’ hot physically, but there’s not much going on upstairs, if you know what I mean. Christian is obviously not bothered about the mental capacity of his submissives, as long as they can read enough to sign his disclosures and contracts.

They get in the bath together and Ana gets all excited because she can feel his erection. “It’s such a turn-on knowing that it’s my body making him feel this way. Ha… not your mind. My subconscious sneers.” You’ve got that right, girlfriend (even if the grammar in those sentences is anything but right). Christian almost makes Ana orgasm again, but then he stops her.

“I want you to become well-acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favourite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this.” He brandishes his knob at her. His penis is his favourite part of his body? Excuse me while I throw up.

Ana proceeds to give him her first ever blowjob and, quelle surprise, she’s absolutely awesome at it. She can deep-throat and everything. “He’s my very own Christian Grey flavour popsicle,” says Ana. That is so many shades of gross.

“Anastasia, I’m going to come in your mouth,” says Christian (note: no man is this coherent when his penis is being treated like a popsicle). After five minutes of intense practice, Ana is suddenly a blowjob expert. “In a moment of extraordinary confidence, I bare my teeth.” Christian seems to enjoy it. “Don’t you have a gag reflex?” he asks. Of course not, she’s perfect. No interests, no ambition, no personality… no gag-reflex? She's a life-sized sex toy.

Christian says he owes Ana an orgasm and he takes her back to bed. He really wants her to agree to the dom/sub contract, so he decides to give her a little taster by tying her up. He ties her hands together, then puts them up over her head and tells her to keep them there, before proceeding to go down on her. But wait, not before E. L. James has spectacularly killed the mood once again by having Christian tug at Ana’s pubic hair. “I like this,” he says, pulling on it. “Perhaps we’ll keep this.” He tugs on her pubes. Does this turn anybody on? Anyone at all? *tumbleweed*

Ana has two more orgasms (I’m not even going to bother going into the details of them both. Am I jealous? Maybe). Christian and Ana lie together in post-coital bliss for a few moments, before realising they can hear voices outside.

“Shit! It’s my mother!”

(Orgasm count to date: five in twenty-four hours.)

TBC

What a cliff-hanger, right?! Thanks for all the lovely comments so far. I’m glad I’m not alone in my hatred of this laughable book.

Chapter Nine: Part One

Chapter Nine – Part One

Ana wakes up to Christian Grey and damn near has another orgasm at the sight of his beautiful face. “How could anyone look this good and still be legal?” I’d be more concerned about the legality of your own stupidity, to be honest, Ana. 

She gets out of bed, goes into the bathroom and appears to have an actual conversation with her subconscious. I’ll just reiterate the fact you can’t interact with your own subconscious and I’ll just write this off as Ana being borderline schizophrenic. “ARE YOU CRAZY?” her subconscious shouts (in caps, too). Yes, it seems she is.

Ana realises she didn’t let Kate know where she was, so she goes to find her phone and there are a load of texts from Kate, saying things like “RU OK Ana” and “Where RU Ana”. Add ‘text-speak’ to the considerable list of things that E. L. James can’t pull off.

At a time like this, understandably, the only thing Ana worries about is how bad her hair looks. She finds two hair ties in her bag and puts her hair in pigtails, speculating that the more girly she looks, the safer she will be from 'Bluebeard'. This is really skewed logic. Plus if you're standing in the bathroom trying to figure out ways to keep yourself 'safe' from the man in the apartment with you, chances are you should forget your hairstyle and RUN.

She realises she’s hungry, so she gets her iPod out and heads to the kitchen. “There’s nothing like music to cook by,” she says. Cringe. 

Now Ana starts dancing round the kitchen and grabbing whatever she wants out of the fridge. This might be just me, but when I stay over at other people’s houses, I always feel very uncomfortable when I’m awake before them, and I definitely wouldn’t start helping myself to their food when they weren’t around. Ana started this book flipping out about a guy holding her hand, but now she feels relaxed enough in his penthouse apartment to start raiding the fridge and dancing around, apparently. 

“I am so daunted by this kitchen. It’s so sleek and modern, and none of the cupboards have handles. It takes me a few seconds to deduce that I have to push the cupboard doors to open them.” You, my dear girl, are an unspeakable idiot. 

“Amy Studt is singing in my ear about misfits. This song used to mean so much to me because I’m a misfit.” I am cringing so much there are actual nail indentations in my face.

Christian walks in and catches her dancing. Predictable. He asks her if she wants some tea, reaches into a cupboard and pulls out some Twinings English Breakfast tea. Smooth. She tells him that she’s still sore from last night so he suggests that they just work on oral skills for the time being. I swear, if she has an orgasm from him kissing her feet...

Ana says she’d like to spend the day with Christian, but then return home for the night. This is a completely reasonable request, but Christian is not impressed. When Christian gets upset, this, apparently, makes Ana’s previously insatiable appetite immediately diminish. She spent twenty minutes cooking up eggs and talking about how hungry she was, and now just because Christian is upset with her, she's suddenly lost her appetite. I can't identify with this character – there’s not much a man could say that would put me off my breakfast. 

It turns out Christian is actually pretty obsessed with food, and urges her to finish her breakfast. He has ‘issues with wasted food’ apparently. I’d like to promise that we’ll find out what that’s about in later chapters, but the standard of this writing, planning and plot leads me to believe it’s just another empty sentence designed to make you feel a pang of sympathy before being completely forgotten about.

Christian promises that they’ll take a bath together, and Ana decides to call Kate. Kate is all like, did you?! And Ana is all like, maybe… And Kate is all like, OMGZ, you totally did! Really mature, adult stuff. The sort of conversation that makes you think that Ana and Kate are totally ready for responsible sexual relationships which may or may not include BDSM. 

Ana contemplates that not telling Kate about the Womb Room will be “a difficult square to circle”. I think E. L. James is having a stab at using an idiom here, but as far as I know, this isn’t even a phrase. The phrase she’s thinking of is ‘square the circle’, which means to solve a particularly difficult problem. Calling this situation a ‘square to circle’ is nonsensical (but hilarious).

Christian shows his own maturity (and the author tries to crowbar some misguided literary references in) by referring to sex as ‘making the beast with two backs’. I’m so glad that we’re all adults here, especially considering the potentially dangerous nature of the sexual activities we’re about to embark on.

TBC!