Chapter Twenty Three

We last left our heroine on the other side of the country, being stalked by the man who has flown for thousands of miles to see (supervise) her because he can’t bear to leave her alone for twenty-four hours.

“I have neglected to mention Christian’s stalker tendencies to my mom,” says Ana. Huh. You’d think that’d be one of the first things you’d mention about your new bf, but whatever. Ana eventually spots Christian and he saunters over. Naturally (and disappointingly) her mother’s jaw hits the floor. Is there a single woman in this book who can hold a conversation with this man without melting into a pile of wibble on the floor? Sheesh.

Ana notices that Christian seems tense; mad, almost. She wonders whether it’s because she mentioned ‘Mrs Robinson’, or could it be the fact she’s on her fourth Cosmo? She’s actually wondering whether this stalker is mad at her for having four (yes FOUR – book her into AA stat) alcoholic drinks. “I’m drinking with my mother, there’s no way he can be angry about that…” muses Ana. You’re right, girl. But I’m sure he’ll find a way to justify it.

Christian starts flirting with the two of them and all he has to do is touch Ana’s hand before she’s whinging about how much she wants him. Spare me. Ana’s mother excuses herself to the powder room and Ana decides to come right out with what’s bothering her.

“I think of [Mrs Robinson] as a child molester, Christian.” No build up, no easing into this tricky subject – she’s just putting it right out there. Christian gets a bit sniffy and says it wasn’t at all like that, and calls Ana judgemental, which she is, but you know, I think you’re allowed to get a bit judgey where underage sex is concerned.

Ana being the nitwit she is, instead of discussing the topic like an adult and trying to understand Christian’s point of view, starts whinging about how it makes her jealous. But Christian tells her he’s business partners with the woman, and has been friends with her for years. Ana comes right out and calls Mrs Robinson a paedophile, and you’re suddenly aware that our heroine is a rare breed – a childish hypocrite with disposable morals and a very narrow mind. When it comes to Christian and his questionable morals tugging on her pubes and tying her up, everything’s all fine and dandy, but the thought of anyone else doing the same? NOPE.

Ana’s mother comes back from the toilets and says something about the ‘UST’ being unbearable. In case you’re in the dark, UST is a fanfiction acronym for ‘unresolved sexual tension’ – and is definitely not something that people say in everyday life. It’s kind of like asking someone A/S/L? to their face.

Christian disappears off and Ana’s mother urges Ana to chase desperately after him, like all self-respecting women should be encouraged to do when they’re mad about something. I know that when I’ve had an argument with someone and called their ex a paedophile, I always like to go running after them, shedding dignity like snakeskin, begging their forgiveness.

Ana goes to Christian’s room, he’s chatting away on his phone to imaginary people called ‘Bill’ and ‘Georgia’.  When he gets off the phone, instead of sitting down and talking it out – yep, you guessed it – things turn all slow and sensual again and they start referring to each other by their surnames like they’ve morphed into softcore porn actors.

Christian kind of ruins the moment by asking Ana if she’s bleeding, and suddenly I don’t want to read any further because I’m totally convinced that he’s going to pull out her tampon with his teeth or something. He asks her if she wants to get in the bath, which is somehow even more disgusting because the last thing you want to do when you’re on your period is stew in a bath filled with your own menstrual blood, WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND IN THERE TOO.

He starts undressing her and running the bath, and Ana can’t stop looking at the ‘libidinous woman in the mirror falling apart under her own hands’. Tell me ladies, do any of you feel like this when you’re on your period? When it’s that special time of the month, do you feel much like writhing around naked in front of your boyfriend, or do you want to put on your biggest knickers, eat ice cream and cry at animal adopted adverts on the TV? Yeah, that’s what I thought. But somehow, Ana is totally turned on.

Things are getting a bit out of hand again: “When did you start your period, Anastasia?” Christian asks. She tells him yesterday. Then he turns her around, pulls out her tampon and throws it in the toilet.

I’m sorry, WHAT NOW?

This is the actual excerpt for you, so you can just verify that I’m not making this up for sheer comedic / vomit-inducing content value.

“Hold onto the sink,” he orders, and pulls my hips back again, like he did in the playroom, so I’m bending down.

He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string… what!... And… a gently pulls out my tampon and throws it in the nearby toilet.

DO NOT WANT.

Listen, I’m not against having sex on your period, it’s total personal preference – that’s cool. But this is EROTICA. This is supposed to be a SEXY novel – there is nothing in this book to suggest this is meant to be perceived as realism, so why is there an excerpt where he actually pulls out her tampon? WHY? Why did this have to happen? I can only imagine that the braindead folk that enjoyed this book are reading it precisely to experience some kind of escape from their mundane life – they want thrilling, sensual sex scenes, THEY DON’T WANT TO READ ABOUT TAMPONS AND PERIOD SEX.

They have wild period sex. I can’t get into it because I’m sure there must be blood all over his beautiful clean hotel bathroom. They get in the bath – more grossness. Have a shower, please, it’s so much more hygienic in this situation. Now you’re not only stewing in menstrual blood, but sexual fluids too. This is so not turning me on.

Ana speculates that the scars on Christian’s chest are not from chicken-pox, and deduces that they must be cigarette burns from Mrs Robinson. Christian totally shuts down – he wants fuss-free period sex, not serious child abuse kinda talk. He tries to defend his previous lover by saying that if it weren’t for her, he’d have gone the way of his birth mother.

“Crack addict or whore? Possibly both?” Ana wonders to herself. Is this the way that all women are categorised in the 50 Shades world?

Christian quite clearly doesn’t want to talk about his old relationships, but Ana keeps pushing him. He eventually gets pretty mad, and Ana is all apologetic. “Jeez – maybe it’s the Cosmopolitans making me brave, but suddenly I cannot bear the distance between us.” (They’re across the bath tub from one another.)

He turns the table on Ana and starts quizzing her on their relationship – how she feels about him, why she never responded to his email. (Imagine flying across the country to ask your partner why they hadn’t replied to an email. IMAGINE.)

Ana gives him no straight answers and Christian speculates he might have to spank her again. They start kissing and things get all steamy again; before you know it, they’re having sex right there in the period bath.

Later on, they’re lay in Christian’s big bed talking about inconsequential things that don’t further the plot one little bit. They’re both naked – I sincerely hope she’s wearing a tampon. You’d assume that she must be, but you just can’t be sure in this messed up book.