Chapter Nine: Part Two

Chapter Nine – Part Two

When he leads Ana into the bathroom to take a bath, Christian fills up the bathtub with hot water and ‘sweet sultry Jasmine’ bubble bath (jasmine shouldn’t be capitalised unless his bubble bath smells like a woman called Jasmine, rather than the flower jasmine). 

Ana stands in the bath while Christian takes her clothes off. “Anastasia, you’re a very beautiful woman, the whole package.” We are led to believe that she’s smokin’ hot physically, but there’s not much going on upstairs, if you know what I mean. Christian is obviously not bothered about the mental capacity of his submissives, as long as they can read enough to sign his disclosures and contracts.

They get in the bath together and Ana gets all excited because she can feel his erection. “It’s such a turn-on knowing that it’s my body making him feel this way. Ha… not your mind. My subconscious sneers.” You’ve got that right, girlfriend (even if the grammar in those sentences is anything but right). Christian almost makes Ana orgasm again, but then he stops her.

“I want you to become well-acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favourite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this.” He brandishes his knob at her. His penis is his favourite part of his body? Excuse me while I throw up.

Ana proceeds to give him her first ever blowjob and, quelle surprise, she’s absolutely awesome at it. She can deep-throat and everything. “He’s my very own Christian Grey flavour popsicle,” says Ana. That is so many shades of gross.

“Anastasia, I’m going to come in your mouth,” says Christian (note: no man is this coherent when his penis is being treated like a popsicle). After five minutes of intense practice, Ana is suddenly a blowjob expert. “In a moment of extraordinary confidence, I bare my teeth.” Christian seems to enjoy it. “Don’t you have a gag reflex?” he asks. Of course not, she’s perfect. No interests, no ambition, no personality… no gag-reflex? She's a life-sized sex toy.

Christian says he owes Ana an orgasm and he takes her back to bed. He really wants her to agree to the dom/sub contract, so he decides to give her a little taster by tying her up. He ties her hands together, then puts them up over her head and tells her to keep them there, before proceeding to go down on her. But wait, not before E. L. James has spectacularly killed the mood once again by having Christian tug at Ana’s pubic hair. “I like this,” he says, pulling on it. “Perhaps we’ll keep this.” He tugs on her pubes. Does this turn anybody on? Anyone at all? *tumbleweed*

Ana has two more orgasms (I’m not even going to bother going into the details of them both. Am I jealous? Maybe). Christian and Ana lie together in post-coital bliss for a few moments, before realising they can hear voices outside.

“Shit! It’s my mother!”

(Orgasm count to date: five in twenty-four hours.)

TBC

What a cliff-hanger, right?! Thanks for all the lovely comments so far. I’m glad I’m not alone in my hatred of this laughable book.