Chapter Ten: Part Two

Chapter Ten - Part Two

Christian and Ana finish their food at the roadside restaurant and continue the drive back to Ana’s. “He switches off the engine and I realise I’m going to have to leave him,” whines Ana. “Suddenly, I feel emotional.” Me too, Ana. Me too. 

“Why do I suddenly feel bereft?” she wonders. I have absolutely no idea. You've known this controlling sociopath for about two weeks.

“Oh, by the way, I’m wearing your underwear,” Ana says, before she goes into the house (for a moment, when I first read this, I thought this was Christian speaking. I was disappointed when it wasn’t, his tame attempts at sexual liberation have been quite boring so far. Except when he tugged on her pubes). For someone who strings girls up by their wrists and whips them with a whole manner of scary-looking instruments, Christian seems inordinately shocked by the fact that some girl has got his boxers on. Please.  

This would be a great place to end the chapter but E. L. James couldn’t structure a novel for love nor money. Ana goes inside and Kate starts questioning her about Christian. “Did he make you come?” she asks, excitedly. “Kate pulls me to the couch and we sit. She clasps my hands.” Kate seems way too excited about this. It’s just sex, guys.

“It took almost a year to have my first orgasm through penetrative sex…” Kate muses. Surely this sentence could have been phrased a little better because to me, this sounds like they were having sex for a full year, non-stop, before she had her first orgasm. “… and here you are, first time?” Yes, alright, don’t rub it in. 

I notice that Ana doesn’t explain that her first orgasm came from him groping her boobs, probably because if she did, Kate would have her hospitalised and tested for some sort of nerve disorder. Breasts are not a sexual organ, they are nothing more than an erogenous zone, and rubbing them will give you as much of an orgasm as rubbing your kneecaps. I will never let this go.

“I’m glad you lost it to someone who knows their ass from their elbow,” laughs Kate. I bet he didn’t have to be taught the difference between a hawk and a handsaw, either, which is always a bonus. 

Kate tells Ana she has some post, and apparently, Ana has not one, but two interviews for internships at publishing houses. So she does have plans! This is completely new, but I’m so pleased that she wants to do something with her life that I’m going to overlook the fact that the author has clearly just decided to write it in at the last second.

The phone rings; it’s Jose. God, this chapter is endless. Jose is calling to apologise to Ana for trying to force himself on her last week. As he should. He starts asking whether Ana is with Christian, and whether she’s doing it for the money. For someone supposedly in love with Ana, he sure doesn’t think much of her. They arrange to have a conciliatory coffee the next day. Kate and Ana sit in their apartment, eating pizza and ‘quaffing cheap red wine’. For someone who had her first drink about five minutes ago, Ana is sure taking to this alcohol lark.

The phone rings again. I am begging this chapter to end soon. It’s Elliot. Kate skips to her bedroom to talk to him ‘like she’s fourteen’. I don’t doubt it. What follows is what feels like eight million pages of Ana thinking about Christian, wondering about this ‘Mrs Robinson’ figure who abused him as a teenager, and wondering whether she should sign the dom/sub contract. Who does she think she’s kidding? Of course she’s going to sign the damn contract. There’s still like, half of this book to go.

Orgasm count: still five, but it's five more than she had twenty-four hours ago.

Alcohol unit count: five margaritas, tequila shots, a pitcher of beer, three glasses of wine. 

TBC!